Surrounded and Alone

So I am just going to put this out there right now....I am EMO as crap! I cry, and listen to sappy songs when I am already crying, just to cry more. I like to get it all out at once you know? Like ripping off a bandaid. That being said, I will continue.

I started seeing someone new around 3 months ago. I pursued him and everything started great. He and I, We'll call him Peter, have conflicting schedules but we make time to see eachother, go on dates, get together with friends, etc. Unfortunately for me Peter had just ended a lengthy relationship weeks before I grabbed him out of the bachelor market. In the previous weeks I have felt....a distance, or somthing of that nature. It is just one of those times when you can feel something is out of place or just slightly off but you cannot explain why. I suddenly feel lonely, and almost like an obligation to Peter, rather than someone that he wants in his life. That feeling you should get when you can tell someone wants you there, when you can look at them looking at you and FEEL their feelings for you....That does not happen, Not at all.

I have walls, there is no doubt about that, but I have never experienced something so strong saying STOP, this is not right!  I am a thinker by nature, I do way too much of it, and it does get the best of my sanity at times, so maybe im overthinking this too much. Maybe he is just afraid i will be the same as his ex (who broke into his apartment and flushed his phone when he was texting other people, after they broke up), or maybe he just doesnt want to hurt me by saying "sorry but this wont work". The fact is, either way you cut it, it's still slicing pretty ridgid and hurts just the same. Why should i stay when I feel even more lonely than I did before we met.

 I find myself crying for nothing, and i wonder....after all this time, am I the one that expects too much? Maybe I just know what i want, and know where he is....but i cant get there right now. I dont want to settle, but how do i know if I am if when it all began it felt like bliss?

~Nea

The Beginning

Hello world. Today was the day that I broke down and decided it was time I sent my thoughts into the world for someone, other than myself, to analyze. So for anyone that reads my future posts, I am a deep thinker and I do way too much of it. My life seems to be one thing after another going awry, however that is sheer speculation on my part. In reality I'm almost certain nothing is wrong and it is just my brain being over analytical, causing me minor panic attacks and insomnia. I am sure there is a pill for exactly what I just described but, again, I appreciate the use of my motor skills and I assume medication powerful enough to quell the thought process would also render me useless. Bringing me back to where I began, which is that I am using this blog as my drug. So, stay tuned, this could get interesting.